What comforts me.....

The warmth of your hand on my neck as we cross the street, the feeling of safety and just knowing that I am going to be ok. The comfort of feeling your belly in the small of my back when I awake in the middle of the night, and the enveloping caress of your sleepy hand on my breast. The fleshiness of your lower lip and how I love to taste it between my teeth. The arch of a raised eyebrow, the quickness of a smile, the fascination of how your presence fills a room. And when I can’t sleep and the world seems to cave in around me, your hand reaches out and your palm rests gently on the flat of my forehead – and I am at peace.

Men and Women......Friends???????

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not!
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Can men and women be friends? I’m going to have to agree with Harry on this one. There is always a sexual attraction that draws at least one of the opposite sex to another. I mean, it’s the most powerful magnet in the world! As I look back on my male friendships over the past, the ones that remain the closest are those I’ve already had sex with (therefore the sex thing is ‘out of the way’) or else either they or I wouldn’t think twice about it if asked to keep toes (or ears?) warm at night. I do also believe that many of us are aware of the sexual tension that exists in a strong friendship of this type – but because both parties benefit from it, it is ignored and hidden beneath the conventialities of what is considered decent behavior between platonic companions. And it is beneficial to both as long as these conventions remain in tact. That is, one friend maintains honest about where they stand in the friendship and the other one lies about it. As soon as the line is crossed in a friendship, the bond that cemented it will begin to fall apart – because suddenly it is no longer a friendship, but a relationship with certain expectations and obligations – and with the risk of getting hurt. As for those who decide to ACTUALLY cross that line in the sand – well, that’s another story altogether!

How many is too many?

So many men I have met brag about their conquests, and I'm sure its a common fact that they exaggerate this even more to their mates. They seem to think it is a sign of male virility or that women find it attractive that a man has had a lot of experience. While experience is a good thing and we all love to be with a man who knows what he is doing, it does more damage than good to tell us that you have slept with 100 women and that 20 of those were in one night during an orgy that you actually really liked and wouldn't mind trying again sometime in the near future (knowing wink!). To know that our partner has had so many women actually makes us feel insecure - just as the opposite would for a man. It makes us think - what if we are not good enough, and what if the next girl, at the next party, or the next bar, gives you the opportunity to fulfill your sexual needs that we can't? Just like every man, a woman wants to know that she is the best he has ever had. She needs that comfort of wanting to know that he craves for her and could never be satisfied with anyone but her. Once she has this, the so called leash that many men believe are hung around their necks will disappear - cos it's the guy who puts it there in the first place. So, how many is too many. I would be happy to be dating a guy who told me he had been with approximately 20 partners (this is someone in their late 20's and early 30's). 10 means little or no experience, 50 is way too much. And if you have had this many, then take my advice - just as a woman does - lie about it!

Forgiven but not forgotten.....

Even though I tell myself it's over, you still manage to creep back into my life at the most unsuspecting moments. I find nostalgia hidden at the bottom of a cardboard box. A picture in charcoal. A hint of red. A photograph. Various momentos, pamphlets, notes and insignias. The sofa where we made love. The inscription at the front of a book. Just how easy is it to wipe out those years? A bit like the surface of a new blackboard. Written on in chalk. Wiped with the duster. But underneath, the smudges of knowledge, thoughts, beliefs, impressions - they remain.
I see your name come up in my computer screen. Do I write to you? Will it make me hurt more when all I think I need is to forget? Perhaps it's better to not forget those things that formed us into who we are today. "Hi there" I type..... and wait!

Words men use

1. "Hmmmmmm" - a common response men make to any type of conversation initiated by a woman that makes it look as if they are listening when in reality, they are simply making a feeble attempt to show their interest - knowing full well that a woman will know this but thinking that perhaps this time they will get away with it!
2. "Just 5 minutes honey!" - never never NEVER means 5 minutes. Bre prepared to wait at least 30 and then perhaps another 30 after your next5 reminder.
3. "Honey, I don't have to get too dressed up tonight do I" - means he will be wearing jeans and a t-shirt - even if you plan on visiting the president.
4. Men are single tasked. Never try to discuss the intimate problems with you relationship or children while he is trying to fish the keys out of the car in which you accidentally locked them.
5. Men LIKE to fix things and feel needed. If you get a flat, they will help. If you have financial queries, they will give you their perspective on the stock market. What makes us think that our personal issues are any different?
6. Men LIKE breasts, legs, stomachs, backsides and all other tactile bits and pieces that they like to play with but may not necessarily understand. They are also visual creatures. Is it any wonder that they are attracted to computer games, hi tech toys, and any other glitzy paraphenalia that verify this character gene?
7. To men, shoes are shoes. Some are black, some are brown. Some are rubber. Do not enter into a conversation with them about this.
8. A facial usually involves a bar of soap and a face washer. It does not take 1 and a half hours.
9. Women cannot drive.
10. Sport is a man's girl talk. All new acquaintences, social interactions and generally everything inbetween have to do with sport.
11. To a man, being a meterosexual is parallel to being homosexual. Don't make the mistake of calling your straight male friends this.
12. A man's brain - at least in the first 3 or 4 dates - is without exception in his pants. After this period of time, all it takes to move it from the skull to the groin is a carefully places garter belt, a low cut cleavage, a strategically placed hand or a few carefully chosen phrases whispered in his ear.

Feelings of Inadequacy

I’m having feelings of inadequacy. Relocating is difficult enough, what with the daily problems associated with making new friends, establishing your own nest, conquering the daily fears to simply go outside and face the world with all its new smells, sights and language barriers – but to feel that you might not be able to do this job, this job you believed you were born into – well that’s another deal altogether. It’s not that I feel as if I can’t do the job – I mean, I’ve been at it for 12 years now – it’s just that the expectations are so high. What if I’m not the girl they think I am. What if I can’t do this? What if I’m the one that’s going to need the extra support – the one whose report is going to show inadequacies and failings. What if the girl with the job interview smile is not the one that turns up to work on Monday?
My goal is to simply take it one step at a time. This may not be the place for me. I may not fit in. At the moment, things are feeling very strange and alien, but deep inside, I simply know that the ones that really count are not the administrators or nuts and bolts of the organization – but those that I can directly influence, enthuse and inspire. As long as I feel I can still do these things – I can only do good work – right?

Scraps of gold

My grandmother has an indomitable spirit. She lives amongst all of us whilst being confined in the frailty of her own aging body. I came back to Australia to visit my family at Christmas – and because my grandmother was dying. Whilst somewhere over the tip of Queensland, the doctors told my mother to call the relatives because he doubted my grandmother would make it through the night.

The day after I arrived in Adelaide we went to visit her in the critical care ward where she had just been transferred to from Emergency. She was tired and frail and her complexion was yellow. I nearly cried when she forgot my name and how her fingers barely could lift to her own neck to gently caress the single strand of white pearls I had placed there. That day, she spoke of death and new beginnings – almost as if she had had enough and wanted out of the whole mess. The light was dim in her eyes and she barely had the strength to stop her own tears from running freely down her cheeks – a luxury this woman of steel never could have borne.

A week later, we went to visit her in her home. This woman, who by all accounts and purposes, should have been listening to her own eulogy at that moment – was gaining strength and sitting fully dressed in her own living room. My Grandfather bore her constant demands with patient tolerance and I began to look at this remarkable woman and her husband with new eyes – eyes that had worn their own share of scars and veils – that could now see so much more clearly through the stained glass.

I realized a great many things over the two months I spent at home over the summer vacation. One of them was actually how alike I ma to my grandmother and that I have inherited her legacy of pride and joy in my vocation – a job I was born to do rather than work. I also saw myself through my grandmother’s eyes and realized that I was her inspiration. Somehow she was reliving all the things she had always wanted to do, all the things she had done, and all her hope and achievements through what I chose to do with my life. Through talking with my siblings, I discovered that the many letters my grandmother had written to me over the past 12 or so years of my developing career were mine alone – that I was the only one to which she wrote so frequently and so eloquently.

Now I sit here at my desk in a foreign country. I have just discovered that the reason why her speech has been so impeded of late is because of a large tumor situated in her brain. I cannot fly back – she would not recognize me and whether it is selfish or not, I choose to keep my most fond recent memory of her conversing with me, discussing her hopes and dreams while sitting over tea and chocolate at my grandfather’s birthday.

In the meantime, I am desperately searching for any remnant of those letters I only recently found were so very special and I despair that these little pieces of gold are no longer in my possession.

To be or Monogomy.....Why ask the question?

I don't know why it is that often times along our past we even try to reconsider compromising the essential values that make us intrinsically who we are - but we do - whether it is because we are unsure of our own strength in our convictions, whether it is because we want to make others happy - or simply through curiosity - we take that step and we accept things we otherwise would not in a different environment. Environment certainly has a lot to do with this. Whilst living overseas, I have found that my friend circle and family circle has chaged dramatically and as I mix with people from different cultures and attitudes, I find myself accepting what they say and do as being part of the norm and questioning my own actions as abnormal or outdated. Take for example the notion of monogomy. I have met several people who don't believe in monogomy, one actually telling me that he did not believe man was supposed to be monogomous - that it was in his nature to procreate and as a result, he did not believe he could ever be faithful to one woman for the rest of his life. This ideal hence made it acceptable for the said male to experiment in sexual encounters outside his relationship because he had made it acceptable to himself - it didn't mean anything - he was simply fulfilling a basic male need.

He took this idea one step further by saying that he believed a person developing a strong friendship with another person of the opposite sex outside the relationship was a sign of cheating - whereas having sex with a prostitute was nothing - simply man living out his essential maleness!

It took me some time, but I gradually found my way back to my own beliefs and whilst I would never judge the lifestyles of my friends and acquaintances - I'm afraid its just not for me. You see, whilst I can accept that we can all be attracted to members of the opposite sex at any time, there always comes a time where you can choose your action. We all have animalistic tendencies, but we all also have the gift of choice. I firmly believe that if you make a choice to be with someone and you cross the line of infidelity, then you don't really want to be with that person in the first place. There are mistakes - yes, but a mistake is usually proceeded with drunkenness and environment - things one can always change. I believe you know when you are in situation that may challenge your will - the choice is to either stay in that environment or change it! It's all got to do with choice and whether or not you can accept the consequences of your actions. What person, with a belief in honesty and trust, can honestly look in their lovers eyes knowing they have slept with another. It's just not a question!